Twenty-Something Year Old Journalist

I have a thirst for the validation of others in the form of likes, views, and subscribers. This blog is becoming something I very much enjoy doing and can see myself doing for a while. So, I wanted to share it with those close to me because it’s something I’m proud of and want them to read.

And no it’s not because I was feeling parched and needed to test the waters to hear from others to prove that my blog is halfway decent and because word of mouth marketing can be very effective towards viewership numbers. Definitely not that. 

But regardless, they all took the bait. 

And now, my veins are flowing with validation. Triple digit views on Entry #8, nine new subscribers, (family and friends whomst I have entered in their emails in the subscription box without their knowledge) and my brother offering to run the blog’s official Instagram page? I was now drunk with power and hooked on validation. 

And trust me when I say, I was hooked. I found (find) myself creatively crafting comedic-esque responses to text messages in hopes to receive the highly sought-after “HaHa” Apple text reaction, clapping my hands in cheer when I finally feel like I have come up with the perfect sentence that continues to tie everything together, and worst of all found myself posting to Reddit. (A round of applause, please.)

Like I said, I was hooked. 

But like any other addict, the rush of dopamine I would receive after the complementary “Nice entry!” text from the family members whose email addresses I hold hostage started to dwindle, I realized I needed something stronger. 

So, I packed my bags, forged for loose change hidden in couch cushions, said my goodbyes, and I was on my way. 

After countless, grueling minutes wandering the streets (Internet) in search of a stronger dose of validation, all my prayers were answered by the husband of 23 Grand Slam singles titles winner Serena Williams. And as I approached this orange aura that glowed in front of me, I instantly knew I had come to the right place: Reddit. 

I knew I couldn’t trust my friends and family members who at times know me better than I know myself and who only have my best intentions in mind and want to see me flourish and succeed, it was strangers on the internet hiding behind outlandish usernames and creatively customized profile pictures asking if they’re the asshole for cheating on their pregnant wife whose opinions would quench my thirst. 

I quickly rounded up a collection of writing-focused communities, which dwindled down to just two subreddits when I discovered I would get kicked off the pages of these communities if I self promoted. (Lame)

My hand was shaking with excitement (or maybe withdrawals) as I copied and pasted my most recent entry into the text box. I knew as soon as I hit the post button, despite there being only about 100 followers on the subreddit and no other post getting more than two comments, that this would be my big break and I would finally reach euphoria.

My big break might’ve taken two days to arrive, but I finally got the notification that I had a singular comment waiting for me. 

Was this lone commenter Sarah Jessica Parker finally getting back to me on the book deal? Was it Tina Fey offering me the head writer position on a new 30 Rock spinoff, 30 Rock, Paper, Scissors?

No. It was neither of them. It was a user by the name of Icy Repair who now held my sense of self, my belief in who I am as a writer and as a person, in their hands. 

“I’m not sure what to say about this piece. I’m definitely not the target audience and I don’t really know how it’s supposed to function.” 

Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and testing all followed in my reaction to this comment. Had I officially gone mad? Did I really think I had any right to start a blog? Did I really think that I was a decent writer? Were my captive family members secretly laughing at me behind every “Nice entry!” text I received? 

I had to take a step back and take a good, cinematic look in the mirror to start to come to terms with Icy Repair’s comment and reach the conclusion that an intervention was needed. 

Did this intervention take the form of me rereading all my blog posts obsessively? Take a wild guess. But, more importantly, was this intervention successful? You’re reading this aren’t ya! 

I finally was able to come to the conclusion that all that matters is that I enjoy reading my blog posts and that I’m proud of my writing and that I enjoy the process of writing these entries. 

Although I’m sure I’ll have relapses from time to time, I had to realize that I will forever be chasing an inexistent feeling of fulfillment and self worth no matter how much external validation I receive, and the only way I will ever be able to feel satisfied and hydrated is from recognizing my own worth and my abilities from within. 

But, considering you’ve already made it this far, you might as well leave a like?