Twenty-Something Year Old Journalist

As I continue to tiptoe the fine line between constructive criticism and misandry, I have found myself reflecting on my relationship towards men throughout my life. This reflection has led me to discover that I have often centered men in my life, desperately wanting their approval, their attention, their affection, all while losing myself in the process. 

I was a late bloomer when it came to boys. I went on my first date when I was 18, the summer going into my freshman year of college, and my first kiss was at 19, the summer going into my sophomore year of college. (As you can tell that first date did not go well)

I’ve also never been in a relationship. This is something that up until semi-recently, used to eat at me alive and affect how I viewed myself as a person. What was it about me that made me incompatible for a relationship? Why everyone else but not me? Why must I hear my little brother bragging about the fact he is in his first relationship before me?

I’m embarrassed and ashamed to admit this, but there were times when my friends would get catcalled on the streets of New York, and it would make me jealous that they were getting this, although unwanted, male attention that I so desperately wanted and that I so obsessively used to validate my worth. 

When it came to the only two men I have ever dated, (i.e. have gone on multiple dates with, because what the fuck is a ‘situationship’) I found myself in my head the whole time, unable to be myself, desperate to ensure that they liked me. 

And when each one ended for their own reason, I was left alone with my thoughts, obsessively going over every interaction, every text, every date, trying to figure out if they actually ever really liked me, and trying to decipher if I could even recognize myself within these interactions.

But as my Zoloft prescription continues to uncloud the fogginess in my brain, and as I sit and listen to my girlfriends tell me about their boy problems, and as I realize that most men suck, and as I realize I actually like who I am and don’t need to change who I am for a man, and as I realize that I have the most beautiful relationships with my friends that fulfill me in ways that a man would never be able to, I have found myself knocking on the Men Anonymous meeting door and asking for a pamphlet on the 4B movement. 

What is this 4B movement that has increasingly gained popularity in the United States since the election of Donald Trump you ask? It is a South Korean feminist movement where women refuse to marry, have children, date, or have sex with men. It is not a punishment for men, it’s for women to decenter men from their lives, accompanying the realization that no matter how hard we try and no matter how much we lose ourselves by trying to contort ourselves into being the idealized woman, most men will not ever view us as equal.

Sounds pretty enticing, right? No marrying men? I have no plans to get married anytime soon and want to elope. No children? Never wanted them anyways. (Sorry, Grandmas) No dating men? Still praying for that gay awakening. No sex? My vibrator is already more successful than any man I’ve ever been with. 

There is also so much more in life that is better than the endorphins you get once an undeserving man has finally texted you back, impressively using the least amount of syllables humanly possible. 

• The last 44 seconds of “Chiquitita” by ABBA 
• The first downward dog in a CorePower Yoga Sculpt class
• Getting the Sunday scaries then realizing it’s only Saturday 
• A Microsoft Teams meeting that was booked for an hour, but lasted only 20 minutes 
• Going to pizza places at home in California that claim to be “New York slices” and being able to make it known that you’ve had real New York pizza and it tastes nothing like this shit 
• A small oreo blizzard from Dairy Queen 
• Turkey from your favorite deli
• Craving something to eat, but not wanting to spend more money and realizing you have that Trader Joe’s Burrata, Prosciutto & Arugula flatbread in the freezer
• Being able to make people laugh 
• Being told you are funny after making people laugh 
• That movie you’ve been wanting to watch being in the airplane movie selection list 
• Working remotely 
• Having a guy that’s three inches shorter than you say they are 6’0, but letting them know that you are actually 6’0
• Brutally embarrassing a guy that continues to swear he is 6’0, only for him to be three inches shorter than you, as predicted, when he forces you to go back to back to prove it 
• Living with your dad and finally having the house to yourself on the weekend 
• A joint after clocking out 
• Finally pulling the plug and buying yourself something you’ve been wanting for a long time 
• S3E20 of 30 Rock
• Texting your girlfriends
• Gossiping with your girlfriends
• Talking shit with your girlfriends
• Watching Addison Rae’s “Aquamarine” music video with your girlfriends 
• The theology professor you were weirdly attracted to telling you “you produced some of the best exams [he’s] seen” (I look at that email every night before bed)
• Using your dad’s credit card 
• Receiving a complementary “Nice article!” text from friends and family 
• Impulsively booking a flight to Spain for next March with your best friend
• Getting the PTO request approved for your impulsive flight to Spain for next March with your best friend 
• Making lists 
• The end of the series finale of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, S4E12
• The Bengals actually winning a game
• Joe Burrow (Sorry Timothée, you’ve been replaced)

As enticing as the 4B movement does sound, it has taken me being able to truly like who I am as a person and seeing my worth and my uniqueness as a strength to finally set myself free from the chains of male validation. As long as I continue to build myself up, focus on my goals and my happiness, and find fulfillment from other avenues of life, I promise I will never let a man try to convince me that he is taller than me ever again.