Twenty-Something Year Old Journalist

A very well-kept secret. I’ve had it for years—decades, even. I’ve always waited for the moment people find out, when everything clicks, when the mask drops and I am exposed for what I really am. 

On one hand, I’m impressed that no one has put together the pieces. On the other hand, my nervous system reminds me I have yet to be caught in every waking moment. Every test I’ve ever submitted, every email I’ve ever sent, every deliverable I’ve ever completed threatens to expose me. 

In the spirit of giving, I’ll divulge—so long as you promise to never tell any teacher, professor, or employer I’ve ever had. 

Here it goes. I’m about to reveal my secret. In just a couple more sentences all will be revealed. Not this sentence. But this one… I am an imposter. 

I’ve come to deem this unique experience as imposter syndrome. 

Don’t let my long lineage of A’s and borderline flawless GPA’s fool you—I’ve been an imposter for a very long time. 

It was easier to keep up the facade during my school years. The thought was, if I study enough, I could fake my way through tests and assignments to prevent ever getting caught. 

Pretty successful, I’d say. The obsessive note-taking, the overstuffed pencil case, wasting hours of my life completing French workbooks before class, terrified to be found out. 

I felt I wasn’t smart like all of my peers, I just happened to be a good student with an undiagnosed anxiety disorder. 

I felt more at risk of becoming exposed when I started working in the corporate world. At least in school I could hide myself behind a wall of objective success. During internships and full-time jobs, I felt utterly screwed. 

I mean, I obviously didn’t lie or fabricate anything on my resume or during interviews (other than maybe how remarkable I am at Excel), so all my employers must have known what they were getting into when they hired me. 

But it felt inevitable that they would eventually find out I fooled them all. 

I complete tasks and hold my breath until I get confirmation I didn’t guide the company into bankruptcy. I’m convinced that behind every Teams ping lies a Performance Improvement Plan. Any success that I may find is just mere happenstance. 

I remember at an internship talking about imposter syndrome throughout the myriad of 1-on-1’s I had. Across different teams, departments, even across seniority, the feeling of imposter syndrome had infiltrated. People that I looked up to and were mentored by were discussing their feelings of self-doubt, of being found out. 

Lucky for them, I established, their imposterness was mere lunacy and just their minds playing tricks. Unlucky for me, I was a real fraud. 

I have still yet to be exposed, to be identified as what I truly am. I’m not sure if I ever will. I’m even more unsure if this feeling inside of me will ever subside. 

What I do know is that I’ve felt like an imposter every step of the way, and somehow, I’ve still made it this far. 

Maybe that means something.